Saturday, 20th March 2021.

Bismillah. 

Hi everyone! 

Hey im back :)

March 2021. Its been a while for not visiting here. Where did i go?

Im sorry for not updating for a long time. I have been quite busy with my final year of med school. Wait what? Final year?

Haha yep, im in my final year. Alhamdulillah. There so much of ups and downs throughout the years for me to reach today. How am i? Im okay! Im fine here hehe. Since the pandemic last year (March 2020), medical school has been tough. The rising cases of covid-19 here in Sarawak causes us to reduce in number of hospital visits, reduce number of bed site teaching, reduce practicals exposure. Which kinda sucks cause nanti HO the senior doctors expect us untuk pandai buat all the procedures tau. Tapi harap they will understand with the situation and willing to teach us patiently. 

By the way just to tell here, i didnt stop writing despite of not updating in blog. Ive moved to write in a journal book. It was an occasional writing entry macam dekat sini. But to compare between writing in book and blog, i think im more to a blogger type of person. This is because:

1. I dont really know how to decorate my journal books and end up it became almost similar to my medical notes xD (which is kinda plain)

2. And i think it is easier for me to reach people here. I dont know if thoughts are meant to be heard. But i think its important for our significant person to understand what we are experiencing.

Ive finished my Obstetrics and gynaecology posting recently. It. was. hard. I dont think O&G is my field of interest. I didnt really did well in my long case. I did have my breakdown after the exams. And it took me a while to be 'okay' with it. 

So how was everyone? I hope everyone is okay! :) (i know im talking to myself actually haha)

In case you are new here, this is not a medical blog tau. If youre seeking medical information, awak semua boleh pm saya ye xD

Ive been enjoying so much throughout the medical school life. The tears and laughter has been carved a lot of memories within me. And 6 more months, insyaAllah i'll be done with a life as a student. Sebenarnya rasa takut, nervous, risau nak face to another level of life. Macam mana nanti if i dont have my friends with me later? :(

Saya soft orangnya walaupun garang (dalam hati ada taman haha), but to bear all of the overwhelmness of the feeling by myself is just unthinkable. I dont think i can do it by myself. Praying that may Allah will always keep me in crossing paths with people like them in my life.

It is been quite hard for me to be truly transparent to people regarding my insecurities especially to those that i love. It is a never ending battle that little of you know about it. I oftenly feel less compare to other people, i always feel that im not good enough, i dont feel im beautiful, i dont understand why people choose to be with me. Im not good in pictures, im bad in communication, im bad in keeping a relationship, im bad in comforting, im bad in telling what i feel. I feel sad too often, i feel sad to small things. I am tired of myself. Im tired to constantly being too delicate. I dont know if people notice this? Maybe they are tired too. They have problems too. Im sorry to everyone that i have been a burden too. 

This is why i dont prefer to talk to people what im experiencing. I feel too deep, even towards small things. And im sorry for being that. 

I feel so low for these past few weeks even before the exam. I cant keep hiding this. I dont know if i should be hiding. I dont want to make anyone worried. Its just small things that has been going around, that is not significant but i feel them too deeply.

Im sorry. I understand why people leave. And its okay if they do. They deserve someone that can take care of them too. 

People may see me as someone that is positive within my social media. But the fact is, that is what i decided to show. And there so many part of me that decided not to show. I dont think people able to handle it if show it to them. It is because i know they cant do anything about it. Neither do i.

Im sorry for the sudden change of feeling in this post.

Thank you for those to always choose to stay with me after knowing me. Thank you. May Allah ease this journey until the end :)

Take care to everyone,

Akhir kata, assalamualaikum.